Support.
In the past few weeks, as I read through messages on various newsgroups and mailing lists, I've come across at least three situations that really bothered me. All three were where the woman writer did not feel sufficient support from her husband, the very man who was supposed to be her partner in life.
Now maybe this doesn't bother the people involved as much as it bothered me, but I have a very big concern about lack of support. In all honesty, and in my opinion, if the person involved really loves and cares for you, they would support you no matter what you wanted to do with your spare time.
Note I said spare time. Obviously, you have more than one priority if you have a husband or kids, or even an immediate family. Since I only have one of those three, my time is pretty much my own when I want it to be.
Maybe it's a generation thing. I was brought up to be fairly independent of my family, and I prefer to have alone-time every day. It's no skin off my nose for me to go somewhere alone or to entertain myself. Or to make my own decisions.
I'm not sure how old these people are, but I have a feeling they're older than me. So their upbringing could be it. But reading about fights and arguments and husbands forcing wives to do something they don't really want to do just doesn't resonate with the word 'partner' in my mind.
A partner, as defined by the dictionary is:
One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:
A member of a business partnership.
A spouse.
A domestic partner.
Either of two persons dancing together.
One of a pair or team in a sport or game, such as tennis or bridge.
Now, while that common interest might not be writing, it's still a common interest in the fact that you enjoy it and your partner should support you in your goals and dreams. Your partner is still a part of your interest, even if they aren't interested. Does that make sense?
But too many times, I see put-downs and scathing remarks and arguments over something a partner does that is important to them. And that bothers me.
You might not like everything about your partner. Heck, I'm positive you don't. But that doesn't give you the right to crush their dreams or belittle their talents. That's wrong. Think about it.
Familial support is also important, but might be more difficult. Depending on your family situation, you might not find any support at all in your natural family surroundings. That's okay, because none of us can turn out exactly how our parents envisioned.
The easiest thing to do is surround yourself with a circle of like-minded friends. Friends who will become your foster family, so to speak, and who will support you--but won't hesitate to tell you to stop if you're stepping off the edge of a cliff.
But if you are lucky enough to have both spousal and familial support, then you are lucky indeed. And I hope things work out for you.
In my case, my family has always been supportive of my writing. So I have no worries there. Everyone who has read this blog for a while knows about the other story, so I'm not going to repeat that here, but I still believe that spousal support is one of the most important things you can have.
But you do have to rememeber that if you receive support, you should be able to, in turn, give support. Without that important part, you're not going to have a very happy marriage.
Something Stephen King said in his National Book Award acceptance speech has stuck with me since I read it. I thought a quote from that would tie up this entry quite nicely...
There were some hard, dark years before Carrie. We had two kids and no money. We rotated the bills, paying on different ones each month. I kept our car, an old Buick, going with duct tape and bailing wire. It was a time when my wife might have been expected to say, "Why don't you quit spending three hours a night in the laundry room, Steve, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer we can't afford? Why don't you get an actual job?"
Okay, this is the real stuff. If she'd asked, I almost certainly would have done it. And then am I standing up here tonight, making a speech, accepting the award, wearing a radar dish around my neck? Maybe. More likely not. In fact, the subject of moonlighting did come up once. The head of the English department where I taught told me that the debate club was going to need a new faculty advisor and he put me up for the job if I wanted. It would pay $300 per school year which doesn't sound like much but my yearly take in 1973 was only $6,600 and $300 equaled ten weeks worth of groceries.
The English department head told me he'd need my decision by the end of the week. When I told Tabby about the opening, she asked if I'd still have time to write. I told her not as much. Her response to that was unequivocal, "Well then, you can't take it."
Now that's support.
In the past few weeks, as I read through messages on various newsgroups and mailing lists, I've come across at least three situations that really bothered me. All three were where the woman writer did not feel sufficient support from her husband, the very man who was supposed to be her partner in life.
Now maybe this doesn't bother the people involved as much as it bothered me, but I have a very big concern about lack of support. In all honesty, and in my opinion, if the person involved really loves and cares for you, they would support you no matter what you wanted to do with your spare time.
Note I said spare time. Obviously, you have more than one priority if you have a husband or kids, or even an immediate family. Since I only have one of those three, my time is pretty much my own when I want it to be.
Maybe it's a generation thing. I was brought up to be fairly independent of my family, and I prefer to have alone-time every day. It's no skin off my nose for me to go somewhere alone or to entertain myself. Or to make my own decisions.
I'm not sure how old these people are, but I have a feeling they're older than me. So their upbringing could be it. But reading about fights and arguments and husbands forcing wives to do something they don't really want to do just doesn't resonate with the word 'partner' in my mind.
A partner, as defined by the dictionary is:
One that is united or associated with another or others in an activity or a sphere of common interest, especially:
A member of a business partnership.
A spouse.
A domestic partner.
Either of two persons dancing together.
One of a pair or team in a sport or game, such as tennis or bridge.
Now, while that common interest might not be writing, it's still a common interest in the fact that you enjoy it and your partner should support you in your goals and dreams. Your partner is still a part of your interest, even if they aren't interested. Does that make sense?
But too many times, I see put-downs and scathing remarks and arguments over something a partner does that is important to them. And that bothers me.
You might not like everything about your partner. Heck, I'm positive you don't. But that doesn't give you the right to crush their dreams or belittle their talents. That's wrong. Think about it.
Familial support is also important, but might be more difficult. Depending on your family situation, you might not find any support at all in your natural family surroundings. That's okay, because none of us can turn out exactly how our parents envisioned.
The easiest thing to do is surround yourself with a circle of like-minded friends. Friends who will become your foster family, so to speak, and who will support you--but won't hesitate to tell you to stop if you're stepping off the edge of a cliff.
But if you are lucky enough to have both spousal and familial support, then you are lucky indeed. And I hope things work out for you.
In my case, my family has always been supportive of my writing. So I have no worries there. Everyone who has read this blog for a while knows about the other story, so I'm not going to repeat that here, but I still believe that spousal support is one of the most important things you can have.
But you do have to rememeber that if you receive support, you should be able to, in turn, give support. Without that important part, you're not going to have a very happy marriage.
Something Stephen King said in his National Book Award acceptance speech has stuck with me since I read it. I thought a quote from that would tie up this entry quite nicely...
There were some hard, dark years before Carrie. We had two kids and no money. We rotated the bills, paying on different ones each month. I kept our car, an old Buick, going with duct tape and bailing wire. It was a time when my wife might have been expected to say, "Why don't you quit spending three hours a night in the laundry room, Steve, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer we can't afford? Why don't you get an actual job?"
Okay, this is the real stuff. If she'd asked, I almost certainly would have done it. And then am I standing up here tonight, making a speech, accepting the award, wearing a radar dish around my neck? Maybe. More likely not. In fact, the subject of moonlighting did come up once. The head of the English department where I taught told me that the debate club was going to need a new faculty advisor and he put me up for the job if I wanted. It would pay $300 per school year which doesn't sound like much but my yearly take in 1973 was only $6,600 and $300 equaled ten weeks worth of groceries.
The English department head told me he'd need my decision by the end of the week. When I told Tabby about the opening, she asked if I'd still have time to write. I told her not as much. Her response to that was unequivocal, "Well then, you can't take it."
Now that's support.
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