You know, it's not fun doing things this way. I realized something today, or re-realized it, because it's been kicking around in my head for a while and I know I've written about it before.

I'm working three jobs. Day job, Writing, and Ebay.

The dayjob is 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. If I add in commute time and the fact that I have to actually be at that job for nine hours a day (counting a 1 hour lunch), then I'm actually out of the house ten hours a day, or 50 hours a week. If I add the 45 minutes per day it takes me to get ready (packing lunches, getting dressed, showered, etc.), the grand total is: 52.25 hours a week.

Writing, on the other hand, is what I want to do with my life. My passion. My career. I write every day. Sometimes during lunches, but not always. Approximately? Oh, two and a half hours a day during the week, and as much as five hours a day on the weekends. So. Writing takes up 22.50 hours per week.

Ebay. Well, 20 auctions a day takes about an hour and a half a day to do. Technically. Sometimes it takes longer, sometimes it doesn't take very long at all, depending what I'm posting. Shipping takes longer, because I have to pack up the stuff and mail it. So. Let's say, oh, 16 hours a week. That's counting waiting in line at the PO, too.

Okay. Total so far is: 90.75 hours per week.

Now. There are twenty-four hours in a day, and seven days per week, which is 168 hours. I sleep between 6.5-7 hours a night, usually. So, that means I spend approximately 49 hours a week asleep. Okay. Let's do some math here.

I spend 139.75 hours a week either at the day job, writing, ebaying, or sleeping. That leaves me with a grand total of: 28.25 hours of "free" time per week.

In that free time, I have to: Pay the bills, cook dinner, do dishes, clean house, run errands, etc., etc., etc. I also do market research, answer email, critique, maintain my website, make dolls, read, blog, go to counseling, fret, argue, get depressed, etc., etc., etc.

No wonder why I'm tired all the time. *g*

Of course, I could work 40 hours a week at the day job and have that be it. I could quit now and give up on my dreams like so many other people have. I could toss my goals and dreams in the garbage and turn my back on myself. Quite a few people I know have done this.

But you know what? I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't do this. And I honestly would not give it up for anything. (Writing, that is. I'd give ebay up in a heartbeat, along with the dayjob.)

Over 90 hours a week is more than two full-time jobs. Over half that amount is the day job. I seriously have to sit down and ask myself if it's worth it. Honestly and sincerely--is it worth it? (I already know my answer, btw. It's kind of obvious.)

But do I have what it takes to be able to pay my bills doing what I love? The only way I'll know that is if I submit, and I have to admit, part of me is scared. The part of me that hates change is still reaching towards that distant day when my job description and my dream match. That part of me can dream all she wants, but to actually implement a change takes more courage than she sometimes has.

For the longest time, that part of me has ruled. Whenever a change is imminent, that part of me has reared her head and balked. Even if it's a good change, she doesn't want anything to do with it.

I've realized I can't ignore this part of me. I can't pretend she's going to go away if I don't talk to her, and I can't dismiss her out of hand. I have to convince her that change is good, especially if it involves the cumulation of a lifelong dream.

Tonight, I trumped that part of me and forced myself to send a query to ROC. Tomorrow, I will start printing HD to send to DAW, or write a synopsis to go with the first three chapters.

Vicki sent me a quote a while back, and she's got it posted on her blog now. I wrote it out and put it on my smaller bulletin board. I'm going to share it with you now.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do." --Eleanor Roosevelt.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

I think that sentence just became my mantra.


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