Despairing, but still hopeful.
Maybe it's because I feel time running through the hourglass and there isn't much of it yet. Maybe it's because there aren't many bids on my auctions, and some of the books I have posted are really good ones, too. Maybe it's because no one else seems to think I can make enough money in time. Maybe it's because I know I should have started earlier, but I felt too uneasy with my home situation to do a mass ebay posting and still be around by the end of the auctions to be able to ship them.
Maybe it's because that the way my life has been going, this would just be the icing on the cake. The feather that broke the camel's back.
Dammit. I am not going to break. Something else can. Karma owes me big time, and something had better break soon. It is not going to be me, dammit. I figure just about now, Fate has two choices. I know which one I prefer, and I'm going to work my fingers to the bone towards the one I want and damn the torpedoes anyway.
I will not give up.
Something has to break. Soon. I can feel it looming above me like a big black cloud threatening rain over parched crops. It's like my life is on the edge of release, straining towards something I can't quite make out. Like I'm on the edge of a precipice with one foot out over the edge, waiting to see if I can fly.
Part of me laughs at my efforts and parrots the words everyone else has used. The larger part of me wants something to go right for a change; wants my faith in myself to be validated for a change; wants to be able to sigh and relax for a change without stress seizing up my shoulder and making my life a miserable wreck.
I can't give up. If I give up, I will never know if I could have succeeded.
And I don't think I could bear that.
Maybe it's because I feel time running through the hourglass and there isn't much of it yet. Maybe it's because there aren't many bids on my auctions, and some of the books I have posted are really good ones, too. Maybe it's because no one else seems to think I can make enough money in time. Maybe it's because I know I should have started earlier, but I felt too uneasy with my home situation to do a mass ebay posting and still be around by the end of the auctions to be able to ship them.
Maybe it's because that the way my life has been going, this would just be the icing on the cake. The feather that broke the camel's back.
Dammit. I am not going to break. Something else can. Karma owes me big time, and something had better break soon. It is not going to be me, dammit. I figure just about now, Fate has two choices. I know which one I prefer, and I'm going to work my fingers to the bone towards the one I want and damn the torpedoes anyway.
I will not give up.
Something has to break. Soon. I can feel it looming above me like a big black cloud threatening rain over parched crops. It's like my life is on the edge of release, straining towards something I can't quite make out. Like I'm on the edge of a precipice with one foot out over the edge, waiting to see if I can fly.
Part of me laughs at my efforts and parrots the words everyone else has used. The larger part of me wants something to go right for a change; wants my faith in myself to be validated for a change; wants to be able to sigh and relax for a change without stress seizing up my shoulder and making my life a miserable wreck.
I can't give up. If I give up, I will never know if I could have succeeded.
And I don't think I could bear that.
Comments