Okay, updates.
While setting up my computer downstairs, something happened and it's now stuck on 16 colors. I can't read half the stuff on my screen, and my wireless keyboard won't work, so I'm stuck with a keyboard that has a sticking space bar.
I had intended to try to clear out my inbox tonight, but obviously that isn't going to happen. I did, however, reply to some urgent email. I still need to get to the PO, which I'm about to do. And of course, the dining room set did not sell.
This has been, by far, the suckiest evening of the past couple of months, and I haven't even spoken to Chris this evening.
I'd say I hate my life, but that would be a bit redundant. And I don't, really. I hate the situation I'm in. I hate the fact that I am still behind on mailing out ebay stuff, and that people are getting mad at me because of that. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get even a little bit ahead. I'm always skating on the very edge, and one of these days, I'm going to fall.
In times like these, I get the old fears back again, and they try their best to drown me.
What if I don't get a job? What if I don't get a job that pays enough for me to be able to pay off my credit cards? What if the judge throws out our case over a stupid mistake? What if I never make it back to Bethel? What if I'm stuck here, slowly getting deeper and deeper into a hole I can't climb out of? What if I never succeed? What if I'm a secretary for the rest of my life? What if no one wants to publish the rest of my books? What if I try out my idea and fail? What if I end up having to give up my car because I can't find a job that pays enough? What if ebay kicks me off because I haven't mailed everything? Or because I owe them $200 in fees that I can't afford to pay right now? What if... What if... What if...
I would like so much to crawl into a hole and not come out until this is over. I know I've said that before, and I'll probably say it again by the end of this mess.
I am so tired of this. I'm so damned tired, and yet I cannot stop. I can't give up. I can't not mail the stuff I'm behind on. I can't not apply for jobs. I can't not hope that things will get better. I can't not embrace optimism and believe the future will be brighter. I can't not envision the day where I'm not counting pennies, trying to figure out if I can pay for everything. I can't not believe that a year will pass and I won't bounce a single check. I can't not hope.
I am so tired of this, but if I give up now, this close to completion, then I will never know if I might have succeeded. I will never know what could have happened. And I might be tired of this, but I'm more tired of my life as it is now, since it's nowhere near where I want it to be.
I'm going to the post office. And even if I don't get my settings correct by tomorrow afternoon, I will spend tomorrow evening clearing out my inbox. And I will have everything shipped by the end of the week, even if I have to take a day off work to do it.
Argh. Damn.
While setting up my computer downstairs, something happened and it's now stuck on 16 colors. I can't read half the stuff on my screen, and my wireless keyboard won't work, so I'm stuck with a keyboard that has a sticking space bar.
I had intended to try to clear out my inbox tonight, but obviously that isn't going to happen. I did, however, reply to some urgent email. I still need to get to the PO, which I'm about to do. And of course, the dining room set did not sell.
This has been, by far, the suckiest evening of the past couple of months, and I haven't even spoken to Chris this evening.
I'd say I hate my life, but that would be a bit redundant. And I don't, really. I hate the situation I'm in. I hate the fact that I am still behind on mailing out ebay stuff, and that people are getting mad at me because of that. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get even a little bit ahead. I'm always skating on the very edge, and one of these days, I'm going to fall.
In times like these, I get the old fears back again, and they try their best to drown me.
What if I don't get a job? What if I don't get a job that pays enough for me to be able to pay off my credit cards? What if the judge throws out our case over a stupid mistake? What if I never make it back to Bethel? What if I'm stuck here, slowly getting deeper and deeper into a hole I can't climb out of? What if I never succeed? What if I'm a secretary for the rest of my life? What if no one wants to publish the rest of my books? What if I try out my idea and fail? What if I end up having to give up my car because I can't find a job that pays enough? What if ebay kicks me off because I haven't mailed everything? Or because I owe them $200 in fees that I can't afford to pay right now? What if... What if... What if...
I would like so much to crawl into a hole and not come out until this is over. I know I've said that before, and I'll probably say it again by the end of this mess.
I am so tired of this. I'm so damned tired, and yet I cannot stop. I can't give up. I can't not mail the stuff I'm behind on. I can't not apply for jobs. I can't not hope that things will get better. I can't not embrace optimism and believe the future will be brighter. I can't not envision the day where I'm not counting pennies, trying to figure out if I can pay for everything. I can't not believe that a year will pass and I won't bounce a single check. I can't not hope.
I am so tired of this, but if I give up now, this close to completion, then I will never know if I might have succeeded. I will never know what could have happened. And I might be tired of this, but I'm more tired of my life as it is now, since it's nowhere near where I want it to be.
I'm going to the post office. And even if I don't get my settings correct by tomorrow afternoon, I will spend tomorrow evening clearing out my inbox. And I will have everything shipped by the end of the week, even if I have to take a day off work to do it.
Argh. Damn.
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